DITRLI #3 Motherhood 11.11.24
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Kelly Jackson: [00:00:00] Welcome to Dreamed It Then Real Lifed It, the podcast where we dive deep into the journey from vision to reality. I'm Kelly Jackson, your guide on this path of self discovery, transformation, and intentional living. Here, we explore everything from mindset shifts and personal growth. to spiritual alignment and entrepreneurship, sharing insights, stories, and actionable wisdom to help you live a life in harmony with your dreams.
Every episode we'll dig into what it means to not only dream big, but to actually consciously create the life you envision. Let's turn your [00:01:00] dreams into real life.
Motherhood, it's one of the most intense, transformative, and beautiful experiences we can have. Whether you're a mother or have mothering figures in your life, there is a constant invitation to grow, to heal, and to reflect. And for me, motherhood is about so much more than just being a caretaker. It's about consciously nurturing little souls while also evolving within myself.
And trust me, it isn't always easy. It's about balancing who we are as individuals with the love [00:02:00] and guidance that we give. And today, I want to dive into what it means to show up as a conscious parent and how motherhood invites us to dream bigger for both ourselves and our children. So whether you're on this journey yourself or just curious, let's talk about how we can be present, intentional, and real.
In the role of a lifetime,
before we even get into it, I do want to say this because I realized that of all the possible listeners that could be out there listening. And thank you. I love you. I'm glad you're here. I recognize that we're all going to be at a different place in our lives. And [00:03:00] for one, maybe some of us aren't even women.
So We couldn't be a mother, right? So maybe motherhood wouldn't even apply to us anyway. That doesn't mean that you won't still get some gems out of this. Okay. So stick around. Then there are some of us who
are in that season of Hoping and waiting and well, I say waiting with air quotes, because we'll talk about that later, but for to become a mother. I was there. You've heard my story. It was 11 months of actively trying, right? Where you do the whole thing [00:04:00] where each month like you're taking the test and you're, you're just, you're trying and then it's a negative and then you do it again the next month and it's that season of this hope, heartbreak, hope, heartbreak, hope, heartbreak, and it's a cycle, right?
And I've been there and I've been in that season and I've been in the season of losing. a pregnancy of miscarrying a baby. And so if that's the season you're in, I, you have my empathy and I'm sending you love. And I've had the season of a rainbow baby and the joy that comes with that. And you know, the season of more than one child, right?
And then I've also, maybe you're in the [00:05:00] season where you've lost a child and Or, delivered a stillborn child. These are all things, this is close to me, close to people who are close to me, like this is, we, we, we could be listening from all different kinds of places. We could be listening from a place of embracing that we are choosing not to be mothers.
And that's okay too. So I'm sharing this episode about motherhood because I am a mother and I know there are a lot of mothers out there and what I want you to hear, wherever you're hearing this from, I'm sending you so much love and this is a safe space. [00:06:00] And I also, Again, like I mentioned earlier, maybe you have a mothering figure in your life.
Uh, this is just, we're going to talk about really how to show up as a conscious parent. And since I'm a mother, I'm going to say that through the avenue of motherhood. So one of my girlfriends just sent me a reel on Instagram and it's so fitting for this episode. I'm gonna. Push play and I'm hoping you can hear this and of course, I'm going to link the original reel down in the show notes so you can watch it, but I want you to hear it and the Text over the top of the reel [00:07:00] just so that you understand so you can understand It says, Teaching My Boomer Mom About Millennial Parenting.
That's the POV. And I'm gonna go ahead and push play and see if y'all can hear this. Be careful. We don't say be careful anymore. Instead say, what's your plan here? I don't even know my plan. Do you know your plan? Don't stop. It's your sister. Don't say stop, say gentle. Gentle what? Gentle hands. Gentle hands?
What else is gentle? Everything. Gentle everything. I am so proud of you. You're not supposed to tell kids you're proud of them anymore. Why not? That's putting the focus on you. What? I'm so proud. Don't say that. What should I say instead? You should be so proud. I am so proud. It's back on you again. Okay, hurry up.
We gotta go. Don't rush. We're fine. Don't rush her. Fine. I thought we were in a hurry. If you rush children, it makes them anxious. Don't hurry. You always rushed us, and I'm anxious. Never rushed you. We were always late. We were always late. Exactly, and I was anxious because we were always [00:08:00] late. Am I supposed to say that?
Gentle. This way, good job. Good choice. Thank you. No, say good choice. Watch out. Do you feel safe here? I don't feel safe about any of this shit. Be careful. We don't say be careful anymore. Okay, now, that was the real. It was from ABC Doula and Newborn Care and the caption was about gentle parenting and grandparents and parents and this being a big adjustment, a huge adjustment from the parenting of other generations.
And so I think that's a good way to start this off is talking about that because I definitely
The way that I'm interacting with and bringing my girls up is [00:09:00] different than the way, than the relationship I have with my parents and the way that they brought me up. And let me preface this by saying this, and I've said it before and I'll say it again in case this is your first time tuning in, is that I I love my parents and they've truly are the most supportive people in the world.
Like they're my number one fans and I would not be who I am today, where I am today without them. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about that. That is like the honest to God truth and
they've always done the best they could with what they had, with what they knew, with who they were at the time. Just like we're all doing friends and like, They were first time parents, right? Like they, they had never been parents before. And then [00:10:00] they had me and my sister. So they were learning too, just like we all are.
And again, just like this post talks about. Um, and my mom, we've even had the conversation and she's even said, you know, parenting in her generation, it was different and, and then in their parents, my grandparents generation, it was even more different. And so
I made the conscious choice, especially when the girls and I moved into the apartment in 2015 and the girls were three and five at the time. Um, and. And one of the things that led up to that, um, there was yelling in our house and they, and I was raising my voice at the girls and they were [00:11:00] three and five, they were little.
And I was, again, uh, still felt at the time like I was, couldn't survive without Adderall that I had to have it. And I was addicted to stress and I was a workaholic and I was. Um, drinking like no water and two monsters a day in like the big cans and eating a lot of processed food, a lot of really junky food.
And I wasn't exercising and I was like not sleeping and my mental health was low and I was irritable. And, um, I would, I was overwhelmed and things felt hard and it was stressful and there was just yelling and, um, in the house, uh, in the relationship. And then [00:12:00] that trickled down to our young children.
They were three and five, like I said, when we moved into this apartment and I recognized that I did not want to be that way anymore. And that's not the life that I wanted for them. And I wanted something different. And so I discovered something called generation mindful, and I'm going to get back to that in a minute, but let me, let me stay here first.
So I. And I say I, and their dad as well, when we were married up until the girls were three and five, they weren't spanked. We didn't do the spankings. However, I was doing the timeouts like, um, and I was yelling, I was yelling. I was raising my voice. I know I was, uh, and their dad was as well. And, um, and, [00:13:00] Again, less because of the children, it was just, I wasn't, I did not have a regulated nervous system.
I didn't even know what that meant. And I certainly didn't have one. And my lifestyle and my environment and all of the things, um, and I lacked self awareness at the time and just a lot of things contributed to this. And but that's what it felt like. And so I wanted something different. But no. Even though one of the reasons they weren't, so I did come, I did, in my childhood, we did get the spankings and if maybe they didn't like what you said, the, Um, mouth, uh, wash your mouth out with soap and, um, maybe get a belt spank in sometimes or maybe if it was at my grandparents, she would, my grandmother would tell you to go pick a switch and you would have to go out in the yard and [00:14:00] get sticks that she would spank you with, right?
And the thing is that unfortunately I think was pretty normal, um, for that generation
getting sent to your room. So if you had big emotions, instead of communication or having the emotional intelligence to identify your feelings and to talk about it, it was like, go to your room, close the door, go to your room. And you would be alone with your big emotions and not knowing what to do. And all of this kind of stuff.
Again, I wasn't aware of any of this until later when I started learning about it and everything, but, and In hindsight, I see how all of these things affected me and who I became and what I went through and how I was and the relationships and the attachments and traumas and wounds and how all of it manifested in my life.
It all makes so much sense, but I didn't know at the [00:15:00] time. And again, my experience growing up. was still so much better in that regard than my own parents was, where my dad might have really, whereas I might have gotten spankings, he might have gotten beatings, right? Or where
maybe The way that my grandfather spoke to my mom was worse than any way she would have spoken to me. That sort of thing, right? So like, my parents did their own, they broke their own generational cycles. And then, here I was, I'm a mom, and I kind of became aware around the eight when they were three and five, that I [00:16:00] did not, I was Not I didn't want to be that way now mind you that I'm right now I'm just focusing on what I didn't like about the kind of mom.
I was which was the yelling and the Um, my patience seemed low, but what I, but on the other hand, I was like, my children, I mean, I love being a mom. And so I loved doing all this stuff at the school or the daycare or for them on parties and they were always with me and they were like, they would come with me to work and they would be with me in the studio.
They were so much fun. I loved being with them. They were so creative. We do so much together and they, it was, it was wonderful. Also, it was wonderful also. Okay. I just recognized there were [00:17:00] aspects of myself when it came to like the kind of mom I was being that like, I wanted to be different. And again, I was becoming self aware.
I had started this intentional journey of self. And so I found this thing called generation mindful. And I loved it. And I'm going to put more about it in the show notes because I love sending, I've even bought this for people and I love telling people about it. And it teaches emotional intelligence start before the children can even read or write.
And we started with something called the time in toolkit and what it was. And this is all again, this is, um, She created this, it's about conscious parenting and, you know, that whole mindful parenting, that's the name, generation mindful, and so the importance of teaching emotional intelligence and Um, the idea behind the [00:18:00] time in as opposed to a time out, it's that, you know, a time out, like I mentioned earlier, you have these big emotions and you're feeling these things and then you get sent away or you get put in a corner or you get right and you're not, you don't learn how to regulate and you don't learn how to communicate or identify the feelings or what's going on and then you begin to fear that you can't.
You're not safe to feel the things and express the things or have your voice or there's just so much there. And so the idea of the time in is that you create a safe space somewhere in the home and you identify it. That's the time and space. And then it's an inviting space, right? And you, we had a, they have a poster that you put on the wall and it has, um, they break the, 32 core emotions [00:19:00] down into like four categories.
And they, we'll talk about it in a minute because it's important and I really want y'all to hear this. And then they also have like the On the poster, different ideas of what you can do to regulate, maybe take some sips of water, take 10 deep breaths, hug a stuffed animal, read a book, do a puzzle, right?
Like there's different things that you can do. And to regulate. And you create this space, the kids know about it ahead of time. And when they're and then in addition to this part of the kit is those 32 emotions I mentioned, they also have them in the form of these little square cards that are about two inches square.
And they're just pictures. And so The emotions are four groups and it's color coded. So you have the [00:20:00] high energy positive, which is like yellow, and this might be excited, happy, right? Silly. And then they'll have like the, uh, excuse me, the high energy or the low energy positive. And this is like, And that might be like a light green color card.
I don't remember the exact colors. And this is like relaxed or calm, right? And then they have the, in the red cards, they're going to have high energy, like negative. This would be like angry or jealous or something like that. Like these, these. Um, negatively charged, high energy emotions. And then finally they, in maybe like a blue card, they have the low energy negative, negatively charged emotions, right?
Which were going to be [00:21:00] like sad, embarrassed, things like this. And so when you break it down like that, and the, the, They don't have words. They just have this simple illustration of a person's, a child's face with the emotion. And or maybe it does have the word, it does have the word, but it shows it's not only the word, I guess what I was getting at.
It also has a little illustration so you can associate it. So even a child, like. My three year old, when we started, could still identify with the emotion, even if she wasn't able to read all the emotions yet. And so, when something happens, when a big emotion comes up, say the girls were three and five at the time, and they would, um, be sitting there doing something, who knows?
And one of them would start crying or getting upset or whatever. Instead of, uh, [00:22:00] You're punished, go to timeout, this sort of thing, it's like, hey, come on, let's talk about it. Go pull a card, go pull three cards, however many cards you need to pull and go to the time in. So you, you know about this place ahead of time and it's already set up and you've already spent time there and it's already feels good.
So when they go there and they're not being sent there. because they're bad or they're punished or they feel like they're bad, I should say. They realize that you're recognizing that, I see that you've got these big emotions, let's talk about it. Let's see if we can figure out what's going on. And they'll pick the cards and then when they pick the cards, they'll show them and then we can talk about it.
And then they get to go and we've already got, so in the station. Aside from on the poster on the wall, the things are already set up. We had a little drawer that had, you know, some slime or a little fidget spinner, [00:23:00] their stuffed animal, like all of the things that just that, that they may want to choose from.
So they knew they could sit there and do that until. We talked through it until they regulated their emotions. And I'm gonna tell you some of the times, and oftentimes because if they were, if it was something going on, a lot of times it would be something that was happening with the two of them together.
And so they would both go pull cards, right? And sometimes you, I would be surprised by. Some of the emotions that they were feeling because like I wouldn't have guessed. I didn't realize that that was one of the emotions at play there. Like let's say jealousy, right? Like and then when you hear, and then it opens the door to have the conversation like, Oh, I noticed you're feeling jealous.
Tell me about that. What are you feeling jealous about? And [00:24:00] then they may explain something and it's like, wow, oh, wow. And it could have been something that you, that you wouldn't have even thought of that was simple or, or that's something that you can offer. a new perspective or a new viewpoint, or maybe they just weren't seeing the full picture and you're able to fill in the rest of the story for them so that that feeling dissipates.
And, but these are things that you get to work through. And you're teaching children this at such a young age, it's really amazing. remarkable. And this was so different than anything that I was familiar with growing up. And even, you know, I had like, worked at, my very first job was, um, at a summer camp and then teaching little preschool gymnastics.
And, you know, I had worked at, Like, um, vacation Bible schools [00:25:00] over the summers, you know, with the younger kids doing that sort of thing. Like, I always enjoyed working with kids and even none of all of this was like new to me and it's like new to me. And here I am as a grown ass adult and I have two children who are already three and five, and I think I'm learning so much of this stuff for the first time, but I was grateful for it, and so I started becoming interested in conscious parenting, like, what is this, and what does all this mean, and learning a little bit more about some of the psychology behind it, and, um,
being willing to Being willing to recognize that I was not being the mom that I wanted to be, and that it was up to me to [00:26:00] learn and practice how to be different. And this meant undoing well, first it meant a new belief system, and then it meant breaking. old habits and patterns of behavior and ways of being.
And I had to start identifying a different way, like change my self image, change the way I saw myself. And I wanted to see myself as this really calm, patient, present
mom who
my children [00:27:00] didn't fear. And who didn't try to control them. I didn't want to, I wanted them to feel safe and peaceful and loved and secure.
And if I had kept going the way I was going, that wasn't the environment I was creating for them. And I knew that. They deserved better and that I could be better and I'm really grateful that I discovered that Generation Mindful because it was something that helped me at a time when I was, I was new, I was going through so many transitions and huge life changes [00:28:00] all at once and I really wanted so much to just be a better person and to be, um, become the woman of my dreams.
And that meant becoming the mom of my dreams. And I had to
recognize that
what I was doing was not,
was not the way, like yelling at my girls was not the way. And, um, and they didn't deserve it. And here's the thing, you know, They have, from me, that they have never been grounded and they've, they [00:29:00] have not yelled at them, um, since before we started that journey. And guess what, friends, guess what they've never done.
They've never yelled at me and
they, they're truly so grateful and their emotional intelligence is remarkable. It's truly remarkable, and the conversations now, they are now, they just turned 13 and 15, so this has been, um, they were 3 and 5, they were 3 and 5 about to turn, uh, 4 and 6, and now they have just turned 13 and 15. So it's [00:30:00] been nine years on this journey and, um, the best nine years of my life.
I'm telling you, it's, I'm so grateful that we. Did this, and not just this specifically this program, but I'm definitely grateful for it and that's why I love to tell people about it, um, in her blog. And, uh, if you subscribe to her email list, the emails that they send, uh, just everything. It's a great resource, especially if you are interested and emotional intelligence with your children and conscious parenting and raising.
Children without raising your voice. And I think that
we had, I might have said this earlier, but I'll say it again. But so for, for. A [00:31:00] year. Uh, I might have digressed from it in another episode, but, so for the year leading up to my grand, my mom's dad passing away, he lived with us on and off that year and having him in the home. So we had four generations there, guys.
So we had my, my grandfather, my parents, me and the girls. And it was really, it was really pretty.
Transformational. I'm, I might even be at a loss for words for that because when I, when I even mentioned it, I think a lot of emotions came back because that was just a really powerful point in my journey to, um, have chosen multigenerational living and [00:32:00] then had the opportunity for a year on and off for that year.
to have four generations living together and my children to experience that too. And to, wow, like you really, when you have four generations living together, you see the patterns, you see the wounds, you see the trauma, you see the healing, you see, you see it all. Um, at least if you, um,
Look guys, my third eye is wide open. So like when I'm saying you see it, like I'm seeing it from that perspective, like my, I'm from the awareness from shining the light of my consciousness from like an intentional journey of growth and expansion and healing and, um, transmutation and alchemizing and all [00:33:00] of the things.
So from this place to be able to spend. Um, the better part of that year with four generations and to really be in it, in it, seeing it from one to the next, to the next, to the next, and just seeing how it all weaves together and how it was powerful. And I'm,
it's funny because I've had people, I have people who have tried to shame me, really shame me that I've chosen. Um, to stay there on the property with the girls on the same property that my parents have and go from, it could go anywhere from making fun of to, to flat out trying to shame [00:34:00] me for the choice to stay there.
That what kind of example am I setting for my kids being my age and still living at home is how it was phrased and, and I, we don't live in the same, I don't live in the same house as them. Um, and, um, Um, you know, outside of the United States and other cultures and other countries, it's actually pretty common to have multigenerational living.
And the thing about it is it's, I, I kind of, if you've ever talked to me in this nine years that I've been out of that, the marriage and have been single, um, I don't refer to myself as a single mom. I'm not, I don't think of myself as a single mom. I mean, I'm single. Yes, and I'm a mom. Yes, but I'm not like a single mom like I think of When I [00:35:00] think of a single mom, and I, and I have more than one of these women in mind that I even know personally, right, who are truly a single mom that really don't have a support system.
They are out there, like, doing it, and they're doing it really alone for the most part, like, without a supportive partner, without a supportive family. Now they've got their friends, they're not totally alone, but what I'm saying, like, I don't, I don't, I don't consider myself a single mom because we've lived there with mom and dad.
And so there's like always somebody there and it was great because when the girls were younger and in elementary and school didn't start until, you know, eight 30 or something like that. And I wanted to go do the 5 a. m. workout at the Pilates studio down the street. I could. Go catch [00:36:00] that class while they were still sleeping and They were good cuz mom knew I was going and she was up, you know She's like they're there the house is like they're on the property.
She was there that are not far away and She knew and she was there and they were sleeping and it's private property behind locked gates, right? And so Wow, how amazing I? was getting to like live and prioritize my health and my wellness journey and self care and all this. And y'all, I would get back from Pilates and then I could wake them up, start making their breakfast, do what I had to do.
You know what I'm saying? And like, they didn't even know I was gone and I was getting to do that. And I wanted to go, go for a walk, go walk the lakes in the morning. You know, mom. Was there she was like I gotcha or [00:37:00] if I got tied up doing something because you know She's retired at this point where they both are so they were there and it was fine because They were available to help out with maybe getting them from school or something like that.
And so it's so wonderful. They help out in so many ways. And the girls love it. They love it. And I've asked, I can't tell you how many times mom, dad, like, y'all sure you don't want us to leave? Like, don't y'all want your privacy? Don't you want your space back? They're like, nope, we're good. You know, they're like, The girls add so much life to the house and they love having them there and we love being there and it's worked out well for us and it's allowed me to heal, heal my inner child, work on that, heal my relationship with my parents, you know, get a good relationship because mom was just saying this the other day, there were times when we pushed, we meaning me, my sister, but like I pushed [00:38:00] them away.
They were put on this planet to make my life miserable. That's probably what I thought for a good portion of my life, which of course is not the truth, but that's what I believed. And look, it's not. a choice I'm ashamed of, even if someone tries to make me feel ashamed of it. It's a choice that I've chosen and that I'm proud of and that I love.
And again, it also gave us the opportunity to spend the better part of a year with four generations there
and Um, that's pretty remarkable. I just looked at the time and cause I was just a chatting and I think, um, I need to wrap it up, but I wanted you to hear that. I wanted you to hear this about generation mindful. I know we're going to be diving into motherhood more later, but this [00:39:00] is something that I'm admitting this is not something I'm shying away from.
I'm telling you that, yeah, I used to raise my voice. I used to have not a lot of patience. I used to, um, Even though I was a wonderful mom in so many ways. I was also not present in so many ways, and I was also not who they needed me to be. And I'm really grateful for this journey, this self love journey and this self awareness journey and doing the shadow work and being willing to look at myself and say, I can be better in that area.
And then finding the resources and following through and staying consistent and look as recently as like. this year, probably maybe even this summer with the girls, one of them had gotten upset about something and we were [00:40:00] sitting there and there was a couple of tears, no yelling because they're so good at emotional regulation and we just don't do that.
But some tears were involved and I was like, Hey, go get some cards. Like, let's talk about it. And they did. And it was great. And we talked about it, y'all the cards, even like we're teens, we're using those. Okay. I like to even look at them sometimes to be reminded. Oh yeah. Am I feeling that shoot? Maybe I am.
So. That's what I got for you today, sending love to all the parents out there on your conscious parenting journey. You got this. You're amazing. I'll see y'all next time. All right. There is one more thing that I wanted to add. include in this episode. It came to me after I recorded and I really felt like I need to share this.
So this is [00:41:00] called the feelings song. This comes from Heidi Rojas music and I came across it on Instagram. years ago at this point, a year or two ago. And, um, I saved it and I love it. I've shared it with my girls. I want to share it with you. And it's about emotional intelligence. And I feel like it is a really great way to wrap up this episode.
So here it is. I will link her In the show notes as well. Enjoy
and see when you sadder. [00:42:00] Let's hug. Let's hug about so it doesn't see all alone in your heart when you're sadder, afraid. Let's breathe about. Let's breathe about so it doesn't see all alone in your heart when you're sadder, afraid. Let's sing about. Let's sing about it so it doesn't sit all alone in your heart.
Feelings are like superpowers. They tell us what our hearts and bodies need. I'm here for you. You're safe with me.[00:43:00]
All right. That was beautiful. Wasn't it? See you next time, friends.
Thank you for tuning in to Dreamed It Then Real Lifed It. I hope today's episode sparked something powerful within you. Remember, every step you take towards your vision counts. No matter how small. If you enjoyed today's conversation, please take a second to hit that subscribe button or leave a review.
That would be amazing. Or share the podcast with someone who's ready to bring their dreams into reality too. And if you're looking to dive deeper, connect with me on social media at DreamDit, then RealLifeDit. Or at B E underscore [00:44:00] what you want, or visit dreamdithinreallifedit. us for more resources on aligning your life, business, and dreams.
Until next time, keep dreaming and keep manifesting your dreams into real life. Love you friends.
